The Label is Wrong (Again)

featuring Mom 2.0

::Every morning, Jeff found the coffee creamer sitting out on the counter, often nearing room temperature.  Every morning, he put it back in the fridge.  Eventually, he told Mom 2.0.::

Jeff:  You know, I keep putting the creamer back in the fridge every morning.  Do you realize that you leave it out?

Mom 2.0:  Oh yeah, it doesn't have to be refrigerated.

Jeff:  Wh.... I... I'm pretty certain it does.  Why else would they sell it in the refrigerated section of the store?

Mom 2.0:  You can refrigerate it, but it doesn't have to be.

Jeff:  The label says, "Keep refrigerated."

Mom 2.0:  Yeah, but it just says that.

How Mom Takes Down Christmas Lights

featuring Mom & Dad

Christmas 2013:  Dad insisted Mom be festive and decorate, so she did.  They put up Christmas lights.

Early 2014:  Mom got sick of waiting for Dad to take down the lights, so she did it herself.  We know this because the lights were ripped and damaged, showing evidence of pulling, yanking, and no ladder in sight.  Dad called Mom out on it.

Christmas 2014:  Dad insisted Mom be festive and decorate, so she did.  She let him put up Christmas lights.  An agreement was established:  Dad would take down the lights right after Christmas... or Mom will.

February 5th: Mom informs us that she has taken down the Christmas lights.

Here is my reimagining of how it went:

He Did It

featuring Dad

Dad: I'm not sure, but my money says he did it.

Yes, I Don't Have Dad's Key

featuring Mom 2.0

Jeff:  We're blocked in by Dad's van, and we can't find his keys.  Do you have a spare?

Mom 2.0: No.

Me:  You don't have a spare key to his van on your key chain?

Mom 2.0:  No.
::Heads toward Dad's room.::

Jeff & Me:  No, no, don't go in there!  You'll wake him up. We'll just take your car.

Mom 2.0:  I'm not going to wake him up, I'm just going to go in there and look for the keys.

::This means she will absolutely wake him up.::

Jeff:  Please don't go in there, it's fine, we don't need his keys. How can you not have a spare?

::She ignores us. Tries door handle. It's locked.::

Mom 2.0:  It's locked...  I have a spare key.  I'll go get it.

If you Doodle a Downs Kid...

featuring Dad

Dad:  If you doodle a downs kid, be generous with the forehead.



::5 minutes later::

Dad:  For the record, I love kids with downs syndrome. They are the sweetest, happiest kids alive.

The Label is Wrong

featuring Mom 2.0

Mom 2.0 was showing me all of her BeautiControl products, and we came across one called Lip Apeel.  

Mom 2.0:  You have to try this!  It's a great product.

Me: I'd love to!  What is it? 

Mom 2.0:  It's an exfoliant and moisturizer.  You put it around your lips, let it sit for a minute, then rub it with your finger. You'll feel it exfoliate your skin, and then you rinse it off, and the skin is so smooth!

Me: Wait... you mean it's supposed to go on your lips, right? 

Mom 2.0: No, around them. 

Me:  But it's called "LIP Apeel." 

Mom 2.0:  Yeah but that's because you put it around your lips, like this 

::demonstrates::

Me:  But... even the instructions on the label say to put it on your lips.  

Mom 2.0:  Well, you can put it on your lips, but it's really for the outside of the lips, for like... laugh lines & wrinkles.  

::Meanwhile, we're both sitting there with clown-face white rings around our lips, while my lips remain unexfoliated, dry and feeling left out.::

Florida Brown Dog?!?

featuring Mom 2.0

::One night, our dog, Luna (a brown-colored mutt) escapes. We're driving around searching for her, and come upon a stranger.::

Mom 2.0:  You haven't seen a dog run by here, have you?

Stranger:  No, sorry.  What kind of dog is it, in case I do see one?

Mom 2.0:  They're Florida Brown Dogs.  We have two, but only one escaped.  It's a Florida Brown Dog.  She's brown and her name is Luna.

Me:  What.

::This was literally made up on the spot, and she has been referring to them as Florida Brown Dogs ever since.::